My Thirty Two Year Old Teenager

Jon tried to leave the house last night at 1 am. I heard the door alarm sound and by the time I got my asleep self out of bed and found my shoes, he was headed around the side of the house with two grocery bags and a back pack full of stuff. Last week he wandered away in the middle of the day while I was in the front yard watering the flowers. I found him in an adjoining neighborhood on the other side of the lake behind our house.

I think I need to be that many eyed critter Ezekiel saw in his vision (Ezekiel 10:12). I used to tell my boys that mothers have eyes in the back of their heads and that go around corners and they believed me, but Jon has proved my theory to be incorrect.

I don’t know where he thought he was going. If asked he doesn’t say. I had plenty to say though. 

Things like: “Where in the world do you think you’re going in the middle of the night.” 

“It’s dark out here, a bear could eat you and we would never see you again.” 

“I was sleeping, you’re supposed to be too.” 

“If you take off in the night the neighbors will call the police and your wandering record at the police department is already so long their computers keep crashing.”

You know- exaggerated things mothers always say and everyone, including Jon, ignores.

I’m living with a thirty two year old bad attitude teenager. Jon has been slow in reaching most of life’s phases. He didn’t walk until he was two and a half, didn’t start saying words until he was four and wasn’t completely out of diapers until he was about eight. I think the adolescent years have finally arrived! He doesn’t like me, won’t talk and won’t come out of his room. What does that sound like to you?

I get the feeling Jon doesn’t want to be here anymore. He is bored with us (can't blame him there), but more than that he is bored with his life as it is. He is now refusing to go to the day program he was attending. I made and cancelled three appointments to tour the ARC in Deland, another day program with a work component, because he won’t go. I rescheduled a recent doctor appointment for him for the same reason. Tomorrow he has a dentist appointment. Wish me luck with that!

Occasionally I manage to get him out of the house. Usually after offering to take him to the movies, bowling, library, shopping or for lunch, dinner, someplace, anyplace, I get a scowl in return and a closed bedroom door in my face. Lately he only comes out to eat or take off someplace. 

So what’s a mom to do? He’s too old to spank or put in time out. Beg, plead, implore? One percent success rate on that. Restricting privileges? What privileges? Kick him out? He might actually like that but no... can’t do that. Pray? Yes, I do plenty of that. I understand I Thessalonians 5:17, “Pray without ceasing”. It seems to be all I do these days. 

Prayer is my sanity and my medicine. I’ve learned that running to God instead of blaming Him for everything keeps my heart light and my emotions in check. I pray for Jon and for us and for solutions to a problem that looms bigger than a mountain. I’m expecting an answer to come, when or how remains to be seen. But that is what walking in faith is all about.

While I wait, I ask God to give me Ezekiel’s winged creature eyeballs, if not literally, at least by the Holy Spirit to my own spirit so I can keep track of this guy-my wandering, bad attitude, adult, teenager who I love with all my heart.

Drive-through Faith

In a hungry hurry? Just drive up, place your order, exchange your payment at the window for a bagful of dinner and run.

Need money in a rush? Drive in, slide your card into the slot, press a few buttons and out pops cash. Snatch it and go. 

Thirsty? Insert some loose change into the machine, select a number and a cold drink tumbles into your inpatient hands. 

Drive-through establishments are icons of our smart, fast moving, multi-tasking, self serving culture. Fast foods, banks, dry cleaners, even a few churches provide busy people with instant, have-it-your-way convenience. As agreeable as this may be to our busy lifestyles, it has also contributed to a society that has come to expect immediate solutions and results in every area of life, even in areas of faith. We are not very good at waiting anymore.

I’ve been praying for several years about a few things and have yet to see results I want; in fact God appears to be silent to some of my requests. On a recent day, while whining to God about how long the answers were taking, this phrase dropped into my mind; ‘drive-through faith.’  I knew God was asking me to think about the level of faith I possess. If my faith expects quick and easy access to whatever I desire at the moment or asks for His stamp of approval on all my plans instead of His, then it isn’t faith at all. 

So how are we Christ’s followers, to react when instant healing, provision, solutions aren’t forthcoming? What do we do when Heaven’s drive up window appears to be closed and the divine vending machine in the sky seems to be empty?  

Hebrews chapter eleven gives us a clue. It lists the Sunday school lesson, heroes of faith that we love to remember; Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Joseph, Rahab, Gideon, Samson, Samuel and others. As if these didn’t have enough anxiety waiting for resolution of their troubles, this chapter also reminds us of many unnamed believers who faced unimaginable circumstances. Those who were poor, mistreated, oppressed, wandering, hiding, tortured, mocked, whipped, imprisoned, chained, and murdered for their faith. Verse 38 informs us “they were too good for this world,” but regardless, they were here, facing huge obstacles and faith challenges. But honestly, verse 39 is the one I’d really like to cross out of my Bible, “All these people earned a good reputation because of their faith, yet none of them received all that God had promised.”  Yes, they went to their graves without the magic fairy wand of blab-it and grab-it, name-it-and-claim-it faith wrapping up all their troubles in the one easy step. I have to admit, reading that doesn’t excite me.

Sometimes God gives us those wonderful instant resolutions to problems and sometimes He waits, for a long time. And then, there’s those hard to swallow moments when His answer is,”No, not this time.” Because God is sovereign, His eternal time table rarely corresponds with our earthly clock. Because God is a loving Father, He doesn’t give us everything we think we need. Trusting, believing and enduring when we don’t see the end in sight, the light at the end of a dark tunnel, is the greatest faith of all. Jesus said to His disciple, Thomas, “You believe because you have seen, but blessed are those who have not seen and still believe.” (John 20:29)

God is most interested in maturing and establishing in us, faith for the long haul. The goal is a faith that endures, solid and steady regardless of outcomes and circumstances. Faith is not one dimensional and drive-through faith is never enough to grow the endurance and discipline needed to outlast or overcome the hardships we encounter here. Quick-fix faith is exciting when it happens, but learning to balance contentment and patience with faith is essential for all the times God’s plan or timing doesn’t match our own. 

Romans 4:18 says Abraham “hoped against hope”. When all hope was gone, when the impossible loomed like a mountain before him, he believed God’s promise anyway and he waited. In whatever I am hoping and longing for, God desires to grow me into a level of faith that is so natural it’s like breathing; one that relies on Him without struggle or doubt. He is calling me to a place of abiding confidence, rest, peace and absolute trust. I have the option to remain as a selfish, pouty child who doesn’t want to play anymore when things don’t go my way or submit to God’s maturing process.

Will I trust Him at all times, in all things, especially when I’m not getting the results I want right now? God is asking me to trust Him with my unresolved problems and His timing and wisdom in solving them. It's not always easy but I’m learning that the best answer is,”Yes Lord. Teach me, help me to place my hope, faith and confidence at all times, ONLY in You!”

And the apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith.” Luke 17:5

No Dogs Allowed

When our son and his wife arrived for a Christmas visit with their dog, Sammy, the unsuspecting canine was immediately greeted by our kitty with a hiss and claws, slap on the nose. Cola Cat has never shared her domain with anything but humans and like most felines, considers herself queen of her kingdom. 

She has free reign in the house to come, go and be wherever she pleases but right now, Cola is a very unhappy kitty indeed. Since the dog showed up, she has planted herself on top of the book shelf in the office for hours at a time, hardly coming down to eat. Her life has been put on hold, paralyzed by fear and uncertainty. 

Whenever Sammy comes into view Cola’s ears flatten and her eyes dilate to round dark discs as she glares at him with fear and contempt from her high perch. Her limited assessment of Sammy convinces her that he is big, dangerous and best kept at a distance. She doesn't see him as we do, as one of the mellowest and quietest dogs we have ever met. He watches Cola with tail wagging longing, like a kid who wants to make friends but isn't allowed in the neighborhood club house.

As I observe this, I consider all the times humans see God as someone threatening, someone to tolerate or even fear. We face loss, hurt or a hard place and suddenly God is blamed. Our safe and secure little spot in the world is disrupted and we are angry, disillusioned and afraid so we pull away while God waits with longing for us to trust more, to lean harder, to love deeper.

I doubt our sulking kitty will understand, before Sammy goes back home, that she missed a potential opportunity to make a new friend, but I am certain that I don't want to be like her; cowering, withdrawn and sullen, into the corners of my life whenever things don't go my way. If I define God’s character based on my circumstances, I will see Him as unjust and distant instead of someone who waits with a longing heart and loving arms for me to come close and find the comfort and friendship He alone can give.  

Jesus invites us to “Come to Me..for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and..find rest for your soul” (Matthew 11:28-29). Today, I release all fear, all disdain. I choose to come close to Him and discover all my soul longs for.

James 4:8  Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

Duck Outside the Box

From an early age we learn to associate, categorize and label, this is one of the ways we make sense of our world. A few of us become so fixated on organizing every nuance of life we become the obsessive Type A personality. I used to be one of those, more like a type A-plus. Everything had to be perfectly ordered in my world or I was seriously miserable, which meant I was miserable quite often. I liked things categorized and neatly put away in their place, not only  material objects but also beliefs, doctrines,  opinions, rules,  regulations and people. I was very proficient at labeling people, placing mental descriptions on them and filing them away in a preconceived category in my mind. 

I also became very accomplished at putting my ideas about the God I had learned of since childhood, in a box and nailing down the lid. Placing God in a box didn’t mean He was actually restricted to one or ever has been. My notions of Him were all in my mind.  But time and circumstances have a way of changing us and I have come to understand that God doesn’t do boxes and neither should I. 

During a day visiting our nearby Sea World, I was reminded how much God likes messing with me, popping the lid off my ‘boxes’ and stirring up my perfectly categorized little world. Just about the time I think I have Him figured out, He shows me that it is impossible for me to fully comprehend His ways. He doesn’t see like I do or think as I do. His ways are higher, wider and deeper…unlimited. While there is order in His creation, He left enough mystery to illustrate His divine sovereignty and mixed it all with a bit of humor. I picture Him chuckling as He presents a new clue just to keep me wondering.

 As Mike and I wandered leisurely through Sea World enjoying the beautiful landscape and many creatures, we stopped by a small water feature, a waterfall and pond built for ducks and other water loving birds. We leaned against the railing for a long time, absorbing the tranquility of the scene. The many varieties of ducks were happily swimming, quacking, wagging their tail feathers and preening themselves and other than differing feather colors and configurations they had much in common.

Now everyone knows all ducks quack. It’s one of the things we learn as a toddler playing with our first alphabet toy, ‘D is for duck, the duck says quack.’ Then there’s the idiom we hear, ‘If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it’s probably a duck’. But none of these labels applied to one duck that we didn’t see at first, only heard. 

“Who keeps whistling?” Mike asked, as he looked around. 

I visually swept the area around us. No one was in sight at the moment and I realized the sound was coming from behind a shrub next to the water’s edge. “It’s something over there,” and pointed toward the bush. Just as I did a bird walked into the open. He looked like a duck in some respects, web feet, beautiful feathers and a wide, rounded bill but had a long giraffe type neck and when he opened his mouth to quack, out came a loud sound similar to a person whistling to get someone’s attention.  We stared at him then looked at each other and laughed.  

“Can you believe that?” Mike said. “God makes all ducks to quack then He has to throw in one that whistles… amazing!”  

We found out that this species is called the (surprise!) Whistling Duck and comes from South America. Since then I’ve discovered the Barking Tree Frog. This guy doesn’t croak like other frogs, but makes the sound of a Pomeranian puppy high up in a tree in my Florida backyard, or how about the Upside Down Jellyfish who sits on its’ head on the ocean floor with tentacles in the air waiting for food to float by or the several varieties of Walking Fish whose fins act more like legs than rudders. Some people attribute these oddities to evolution; I prefer to accredit them to a divine Creator who enjoys throwing in a bit of surprise now and then just for fun. 

We have a need for God to be humanized, to fit into what we can understand, but by an act of faith, dismantling the limits we have constructed for Him allows us to be receptive to the unusual and the impossible.  The Spirit of God continually comes in many ways, even through nature (Romans 1:20), and attempts to take apart the confines of our heart so that all that is not truth and all that restricts us can be swept away.

I’m not a Type A-plus personality anymore. Over the years, I’ve been systematically and happily demoted to possibly a B-minus and what freedom comes in discovering it is God’s job to keep all my ducks in a row, not mine.  Whether they quack or whistle, I can trust Him to keep my world ordered, even when I don’t fully understand!

Romans 11:33 (NLT) Oh, how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!