If I'm So Special Why Don't I feel Like It?

I’ve heard the word ‘special’ directed toward me as a mother for many years, since our first child was born with Down syndrome then later developed autism. 

"God gives these special kids to special people like you because He's knows you can handle it.”

When you ask expectant parents whether they are hoping for a boy or girl the most common answer is, “I don’t care as long as the baby is healthy and normal.”  

 I have never heard anyone say, “Oh either is fine, but I’m really hoping we have a special child!”  

Other than the few amazing heroes who willingly adopt disabled children, no one really longs to have a disabled child. The irony that you are suddenly special if you get one has always puzzled me.

Regardless, I know people mean well and are trying to be kind and encouraging so I usually smile and move on with the conversation.  

On especially stressful Jon days, when I'm not much in a “Yahoo!” frame of mind, I've thought of asking (but have never done so) those who tell me how special I am, “Truthfully now, would you feel special if your child was born with ____________ (fill in the blank with any disability)?"

Our son, Jonathan, displays frequent resistant behaviors that can be challenging and one morning I remember, was particularly difficult. All directives and attempts to get Jon to school on time were met with opposition and finally resulted in Jon locking himself in the bathroom and refusing to open the door. 

I drove him to school everyday and by the time we arrived - late again - I was incredibly stressed and on the verge of tears.  

David, our youngest child, and a friend who was visiting from another state, accompanied me. We had made plans to spend the day at one of Central Florida’s theme parks, so after Jon was finally delivered to his classroom, we headed to the nearest store to purchase a few items and visit the ATM. 

I parked the car and the three of us were walking toward the store entrance when I saw him, a silver haired man wearing a bright orange vest and a big smile. He was holding a plastic container for the obvious purpose of taking donations. 

I was still revved up from my morning encounter with Jon, taking deep breaths and forcing my mind to move on to calmer thoughts and the fun day ahead.

As I walked past the orange-vested man he thrust the container toward me and in a most kind and gentle voice asked, “Maam, would you like to donate to the disabled this morning?” 

This unfortunate guy had no idea how poorly timed his inquiry was. He had no clue what I had just been through or what he was in for.  I stopped mid-stride, turned and glared at him.  

That simple question was the last straw, as the saying goes.  All the pent up frustration still swirling around inside exploded out of me like hot lava from an erupting volcano.  

Like some sort of lunatic, I yelled, “Oh sure! I’d just love to,” right in his face.

I ripped open my purse, clawed through my wallet, grabbed the first available paper bill I found and crammed five dollars inside that container so forcefully the surprised man almost dropped it on the sidewalk.  

Then I loudly declared, “There you go sir, something for the disabled.  Now what do you plan to do for their mothers?!" as I turned and stomped inside the store leaving him with his mouth hanging open and my free paper flower dangling from his fingers.

I didn’t feel very special that day. Still don’t for that matter.  If I am entirely honest, I often feel very inadequate and way too tired for this job. 
  

Jill Kelly, author and speaker, says sometimes God does give you more than you can handle so He can show Himself strong in and through you. 

In my weakness, He is made strong (2 Corinthians 12:9). 

So I've figured something out in the midst of all this. God is trying to make me into something special and this child is part of the plan, stamped indelibly into the blueprint of my life.  

This design wasn’t included in the life I had visualized when I looked ahead many years ago.  And there are times even now when I look forward and struggle with an overwhelming sense of fear and uncertainty for my son’s future.  

But this I am sure of, God can be trusted with every detail of life. If I continually lean into Him, He provides everything I need to press on.  

Keeping my focus on Jesus as I learn, in my weakness, to reflect Him to a hurting world, is the ultimate goal. How I reach that goal is often a blend of His grace and my endurance. 

I have come so far from the person I was at the beginning of this journey. I trust somewhere along the way or at least near the end of the road I will finally reach a resemblance of something special in God's eyes. 

Because in God’s kingdom, being His ‘special child’ is the highest compliment and honor! 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”  Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

Messing With Us

Until Jesus arrived on the scene, the Israelites had been doing religion the same way for almost 1400 years, since the time of Moses.  After Jesus came, the Jewish Christ followers experienced a continuous state of surprise with just about every tradition, law, regulation, doctrine and theology they had known and lived. Jesus turned the way they believed; all their ceremonial and gotta'-do-it-this-way-every-time thinking, completely upside down. 

In the following passage in the Book of Acts, not only was the Gospel opened up to the Gentiles, but these 'uncircumcised heathens' also received the gift of the Holy Spirit immediately, the moment they believed in Jesus, then following, were baptized in water. 

I'm thinking God did that for Peter's sake so he would be convinced the Good News wasn't just for the him and the Jewish folk, but for all. Reading on to chapter eleven, we see that initially, the other apostles, leaders and believers back in Judea and Jerusalem had issue with the Gentile's joining their Christ 'club'. Throughout their nation’s long history, they were so accustomed to everything of God being about them, that it was difficult for them to let anyone else in.

Acts 10: 44-48 While Peter was still speaking these words, the Holy Spirit came on all who heard the message. The circumcised believers who had come with Peter were astonished that the gift of the Holy Spirit had been poured out even on Gentiles. For they heard them speaking in tongues and praising God. Then Peter said, “Surely no one can stand in the way of their being baptized with water. They have received the Holy Spirit just as we have.” So he ordered that they be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ. 

In many church circles we like to think the order of a person's faith in Christ has to follow a certain path: repent, be water baptized then filled with the Holy Spirit. We see from this account in Acts that's not necessarily so. We Christian types like to 'order' so many of our beliefs and often hang a sign on the door of the building to announce them, so we can be set apart from (or above?) all the rest who don’t see it our way.  

How often do we miss something new and amazing God wants to do because we're stuck in old patterns and a certain point of view? 

When God messes things up, it messes us up. We want to figure Him out, stuff everything He does into a construct so we can formulate it to work the same way every time, maintaining a spirituality that is comfy-cozy and doesn't our rock our proverbial boat too much.

But we can't slot God into an algebraic equation. He is GOD - Big, Powerful, Sovereign, Redemptive, Creative. He can do a thing one way today and come up with a zillion other unimaginable ways for it to happen (or not) the next time. 

I don't know about you, but lately I've been asking God to break down my "It has to be this way" mindset. I want to put aside preconceived ideas, boring, stuck-in-a-rut thinking and open my heart and mind to a God who is able to do and be, far more than I am able to imagine; allowing Him always to surprise me.

I’ve messed myself up plenty. If I'm going to be messed up, I want to be wrecked for Him, 'cause He's the only one who knows how to mess me up properly and put me back together completely!

Bring It All

I had a dream the other night. Jesus was calling to us, all of humanity. 

Gently imploring, "Come to me. Bring me whatever you have, whatever you are. I love you exactly as you are so come."

I was in line with a great crowd of people who were moving toward Him. Some were holding a thimble full of their stuff, some were pushing a wheel barrow full and others were driving dump trucks!

It didn't matter to us or Him, what any of us had or the size of it, we were just joyfully relieved to be giving it all to Jesus, the good, bad and indifferent parts of us. He was willingly receiving it all and was pleased.

Then I woke up.

I'm thinking the point of my dream is this:

God isn't messed up or surprised by who you are, where you've come from or what you've done. He just wants you to come to Him. Lay everything down before Him and allow His love to fill you, bless you and change you. 

He's calling my name and yours. He's patiently waiting.

So what are we waiting for?

Quit looking at my stuff and I'll quit looking at yours. 

Let's just go - together.

Matthew 11:28-30  “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (MSG)

Dead Right!

King David’s relationship with his son Absalom, had been strained for several years, after Absalom killed his half brother Amnon (2 Samuel 13). And now, in 2 Samuel 15, we find David and a large group of loyal followers leaving Jerusalem when the king receives word that his son has launched a rebellion and is on his way to the city to overtake the throne. Once again David is running for his life, this time from his own child (2 Samuel 15-18).

After Absalom arrives in Jerusalem and discovers his father is gone, Absalom begins to plot how to find and kill him.  One of David’s trusted advisors, Hushai, has stayed behind under the pretense of switching allegiance to Absalom, but undercover, he is relaying Absalom’s intentions and actions as they unfold, to David, by messenger. 

Ahithophel, Absalom’s top chosen advisor, recommends rallying troops to go after David immediately, but after Absalom listens to Hushai’s counsel, he decides to follow his plan instead.  After all, Hushai has been a close and trusted friend of King David and would have knowledge of the King that no one else does and Absalom, at this point, has no indication to distrust Hushai’s intentions.

Behind the scene, God is using Hushai to reverse Ahithophel’s strategy (which actually was the best one for defeating David) to bring disaster down on King David’s rebellious son, Absalom.

How it all ends is not the most important point of this drama. Let's spotlight on this scripture for a minute - 2 Samuel 17:23:

“When Ahithophel saw that his advice had not been followed, he saddled his donkey and set out for his house in his hometown. He put his house in order and then hanged himself. So he died and was buried in his father’s tomb.”(NLT)

Wow! When I read this I had to stop and consider, how many times in my own life, would I rather been dead than have my opinion rejected, ignored, overlooked? Maybe not literally dead, but the, “You don’t like what I believe or say so I’m going to pack myself up and cut myself off from you and anyone else who does not value what I think,” kind of dead. 

This mindset is a growing norm in our society. People are polarizing around issues of government, politics, religion, ethics, morals, lifestyles and behavior. Everyone wants to be heard, be right, and all who disagree, on either side of the divide, are considered intolerant, hateful and narrow minded. It’s an all out, “I’m right and you’re wrong,” continuous brawl!

Many years ago, Mike went to visit a church member who was in a mental ward. As this guy shared his plight, he confessed there were things in his past he couldn’t let go of because he was right and “those people” were wrong. Mike asked him, “Would you rather get out of here or be right?” The man’s reply was, “I’d rather be right.” That man could still be in that psyche ward; maybe he died in there for all we know. Sometimes there’s a high price for always needing to be right.

Back in the narrative of 2 Samuel – Absalom thought he had a right to the crown but he died in the war that ensued as he tried to escape from some of David’s men that came upon him. They found Absalom hanging by his long, thick hair that tangled in a fat tree branch after his mule kept going and left him dangling there. And his big-ego counselor, Ahithophel, needed to be right so much, that he hanged himself all because his opinion went unheeded!

The only one really in the right here was David, who had already learned the hard way that being so is not more important than being king, being cast from God’s presence or falling out of relationship with a son or friend. Just a read through the Psalms of David allows us to see how he experienced the lessons of pride, humility, exaltation, brokenness, reliance upon self or trust in God. 

Jesus laid down his rights to be right and died for us. Before doing so, He told us to love one another as He loved us (1 John 3:16). That’s a colossal assignment!

When being right and having the last word becomes more important than relationships with people, God, or living a life of peace and contentment, serious trouble is brewing.

Don’t get ‘hung up’ on always being right. I’m painfully and slowly learning it’s better to humbly die to self, than be dead right; cut off from the Spirit of God in my life and those I am called to love and serve! 

That’s way too great a price and one I’m not willing to pay, anymore.

Psalm 34:18  The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite [humble] spirit.

Philippians 2:3-8  Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

John 10:17-18  The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life…No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord.